how am i supposed to live knowing there are people out there who hate me?

alot of people hate me. many thousands. it would be so peaceful to only know nice people. life was so much easier before the internet was a part of my existance. i miss my family. i miss everything i used to have. i miss my beloved so badly and i would do anything for her to be back. i want to live normally, i want to go back to my home country and live peacefully. i miss being able to meet a group of people and communicate with them without issue. now everyone i meet has some negative dispotition before we even talk. i hate the way i live.

thats all. going to meet some old friends only to realize they think im a disgusting aids ridden SJW cuckold is disheartening.

Ever since Heyuri collapsed, I have been missing a certain something about it, something that the alternatives, like SH, just dont have. I cant seem to pinpoint what exactly it is, but i know its missing, and I need it back.

Alot of people have said that Heyuri functioned best when both me, and Lolico were the administrators, and for the most part — I agree. Heyuri without Lolico isn't the same, and Heyuri was never the same after my departure and our splitting of ways.

As my close friend yaril, an administrator on 2ch.hk put it,

"I hope my best that the 2 will find a peaceful conclusion, and that SH will merge into heyuri, or heyuri into SH. The sites share alot of the same users, culture, and history. Why must we fight?"

And to that, I say that I agree. I hope that re-unification comes swiftly.

Tatsuya has been announced on /~kuz/ - check it out! I also re-did the front page.

i made the thing

had an idea about a /usr/ section for registration and profiles on KolymaBBS. writing it down here so i dont forget

Here is a list of everything I want to do on strawberryheaven.net — feel free to discuss or add suggestions on the discussion board. I could have organized the list further, but as I see it, there is no purpose.

item	importance	difficulty
frontpage re-do	not very important	not difficult
fixing post numbers	extremely important	difficult
making bans more efficient	important	not very difficult
fixing non-ascii character formatting	important	extremely difficult
`thats right!` feature from futaba	very important	difficult
css issues	important	difficult
hostname display feature from futaba	important	difficult
imgDB feature from ktaba and 9channel	not very important	extremely difficult
reaching 1,000 average daily posts by 2021	very important	difficult
a 4th developer	very important	very difficult
ktaba.php's content tracer	extremely important	extremely difficult
re-uniting the userbase	very important	very difficult
removing captcha and replacing it with ktaba botRv4	not very important	not very difficult

kuznote: this isn't a complete list of everything I have planned — there are numerous things that I may have forgotten, or that I just thought would be better as a secret ;). Either way, I hope my transparency on this subject shows that its not one of those things that I'll set on a shelf and forget about for a decade. * cough cough * NC9CH * cough *

kuznote2: I will be removing several boards tommorow. I will be migrating the posting software as well as the posts sometime later this month.

just torrented alot of stuff to fill up my 4tb drive that i use for datahoarding. I am pleased with the results.

Over the past five years I have isolated so many people from myself. I am having a hard time figuring out who is against me anymore. I believe decades of internet has completely destroyed my ability to make new friends on the internet, or in the real world. I have such severe paranoid episodes that always end in me pushing away one of the few people who talked to me. one of many reasons ive considered isolation recently.... Im convinced most everyone who knows me is in some way against me. I wish god would guide me. I am so lost, and everyday vivid hauntings of things in the past come back and hit me.

I dont want anyone to do anything. I dont want to do anything, I just want to find someone who likes me, and then befriend them. This would be easier if I wasnt so naturally unlikable. Due to how bumpy things in the past have done (and how well documented the internet is) it is nearly impossible for me to talk to someone who doesnt have some pre-formed disposition towards me.

Is what I'm looking for impossible to attain? I wish very badly to just have one person, just one, that I can trust fully.

— kuzzykins

kuznote: happy 1 month anniversary, kuz.lol.

What effects can be had on the human mind if 0 social communication is had? I dont mean not talking to people in the real world, I mean absolutely 0 interaction with other humans. I know its possible, and i dont have to be sent to a mental asylum to have it. I dont like other humans. By nature, it seems that we are very naturally drawn to other humans. Not just from a sexual/companionship perspective, but from a social/friend perspective. I have not met anyone who talks with no one, on the internet or real life. But seeing as i can rarely find people who want to talk to me, i think its best that i save myself the trouble. I think i will go into complete social isolation for several months. Seeing how it effects my brain, productivity, and intelligence.

I also completely restructured my desktop and server-area.

I think it looks nice. 1st picture is my old computers that i dont use anymore. 2nd one is my server area and the CRT monitor i use to access the servers if SSH wont work or if im feeling like it. 3rd is my glorious thinkpad and last picture is where i spend my entire life. ignore the shitty keyboard. (got it for very cheap on craigslist, its easy to clean so hey.).

is my favorite touhou.

shes pretty cool isnt she?

so many things i have. so many fun, aristic, interesting, beautiful, creative, funny, cute, cool, lovely images and pictures, music, art, literature, information and thoughts i want to share.

I have no one to share them with.

Im not sure if this is a thing that happens to other people, but for me, certain songs are attached to certain times of my life. Even if its just a month or 2. I often listen to songs in bursts, meaning ill listen to the same song (usually more like 3 or 4 songs) over and over again for a about 2 weeks to a month, and then ill find a new group of songs and listen to them on repeat.. etc. Ive been doing this as long as i can remember, and now, different parts of my life seem to have their own themesong. I just happened to hear the song "Tainted Love" by soft cell, and it instantly triggered a barage of memories to a trip i took to china back in april of 2019, where that happened to be one of the songs i listened to in my "bursts". I didnt instantly recall what you would expect, like major sightseeing places (not that i went to many tourist traps). Instead, i thought of oddly specific things, like waiting in the airpost, or eating the weird airport snacks. Going to this really polluted river, the death of my favorite pair of earbuds, and sitting on a train next to some other guy. I found it weird that i specifically recalled these events, I thought it was important enough to write about